Beastin whether you see it or not

Various times we are guilty of comparing our flaws with worse flaws, just to boost our confidence. I'm guilty of doing so. But if there is one thing I hate, its putting people on blast to make yourself look better.

From my previous posts you know that I was kicked out of NIU because I didn't meet the GPA standard. But, should that necessarily label me? I am now at a different school with a different life and mind set. 3.2 GPA so far! Even still, some people still refer to me as an idiot for getting kicked out...
Obviously, this bothers me (if it didn't, i wouldn't have used it as a blog post). Although I'm not busting my butt off for recognition from them, I'd rather them just not say anything to me. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

What sets me off even more is that these people are not even useful! They're not college recruiters or employers, they're still students themselves!! One of them is on academic probation as a matter of fact! Yet, my past failure is an amusing topic for them.
But its fine...
Either way....
Ima walk off that stage pretty soon with a diploma in my hand, a smile on my face, and a bunch of schools waiting for me to confirm my enrollment....

It's human nature to reject what you fear. However, this is where courage is also selective. Its all about value. We choose when to take a risk.
Mistakes are committed so we know what not to do in the future. Let's not confuse this, though. Often times we assume that mistakes teach us to not intent similar situations. We must keep in mind that situations may be similar at the root, but we can control the potential outcome with the paths we decide to take. We cannot live our lives in fear of possible pain.

From my previous blogs, we know that I had a pretty rough experience not that long ago. My exterior displayed an outgoing character with a "I don't give a fuck" attitude. My interior contrasted that image, though. In fear of a false happiness, I blinded myself from potential love-life. I became content with myself (in and out) and I knew I didn't (and still don't) have to depend on others to be happy.

Even still, my social skills drove me to meet my now close friends and others that apparently were not worth my friendship.

Within these people were a couple of guys, but at the end of this blog it will be obvious that only one sparked my risk element.

In fear of change, I did not give him a definite answer when I was asked to be his girlfriend...

Some one told me to take a risk, if I knew he was worth it...

April 3, 2010 I told him yes, and so a new chapter in my journey has begun.

Lets see how this goes...

To be continued...

"Forbidden fruit is so much sweeter"

Alright so I'm guilty of acting upon this little saying here, but I've come to realize that the "fruit" really isn't that sweet...

When we find ourselves in a situation in which we are emotionally engaged, we tend to follow our heart. Our conscious haunts us at night, and our logic starts off telling us, "your dumb as hell for even trying to make this happen," yet, we keep trying to please our heart.

Suddenly, we have an illusion that there is potential for a positive outcome out of the scene. Let me tell you... this is where we fuck up. This little image of ours, forces us to embark on this mission impossible. We conclude committing stupid acts for the sake of obtaining that "unique" object. We fail to notice our stupidity because we are entranced by the forbidden. Tunnel vision..

But is it the fruit that seduces us, or the mission?

And...

Are either of these valuable enough to sacrifice our time, mind, spirit and emotions for?

Once reality sets in, we find our answers. That's IF we ever let it set in...

Here

An explosion of anger has attacked my soul. Y complain and stick to the same old routine? I want to scream @ the world, but idk what to say.. Your no good for me. But this leash inside wont leave me leave. You hv me like your fkin dog. I'm no 1s bitch. no 1s. Take advantage of my feelings for the time being, cuz once im done, i'm done for good. I should b done now. I should've been done a while ago. @ the moment u declared your decision. Im not supposed 2 b here. or am i? You say things about the other side, idk if you act upon ur words to the other side, tho. But over here... over here... *sigh*. Your words lift up my spirit to a whole new level. What can I say? You're very talented with words. Using big vocab and your little slick ways of putting your sentences together to hide your meaning. Only a lesser idiot can decode you're phrases. I shouldnt tho. I shouldnt b here. I know. But I cant. Stop. Physically Im no where near majority of the time, but somewhere in spirit and time I feel together with you. You tell me not to b afraid. You mean no harm. Even b4 that was said, I trusted you. Still do. I dnt want to tho. I shouldn't. I can't. But I must.

Hope

Potential. This word haunts me like a regret in a past. I hated this word. I wished I could trade in all my potential and just be perfect in one thing. "You have potential to be a great singer, you just have to....." "You have potential to be an awesome soccer player, you just have to..." "You have potential to be..." STOP!!! Potential... Potential... It's actually not that bad...
The anger this word inflicts in my soul is my drive. Pouring my heart and soul into a project, and receiving critique with this word added into this mixture adds a whole new goal level.
Potential.
My potential is my hope to become something better than myself. It's my drive to live. Why be perfect in one thing? Perfection is boring. No flaws takes the beauty out of life and the flavor out of success. When will I reach my potential, I might never know. Until then, I must keep passing these levels like when I would play Super Mario Bros. I might fail a couple of times, but each failing situation teaches me what NOT to do next time.
Potential. Hope.

Chained to the wait

As I lay I ponder on the memory of your face while mine is laid against the edge of my bed.
A I slowly breath to decrease my heart-rate so I can finally sleep, your image flows through my mind increasing the beat making it difficult to sleep.
Is this beat trying to match that of your own?
Or am I playing a solo?
Now I ponder on the wonder of ever knowing.

Thankful

Im thankful for the obstacles ive overcome.
Sinking to the lowest level where i felt vain, but my pride didnt let me cry help.

Im thankful to have faced reality.
Angels exist.
But they only revealed their halos when I was drowning in my own hopelessness.

Im thankful for those who helped me sink.
Thank you for showing me the truth.
My angels still made it through you.
They lifted me up, dusted me off, gave me a big hug, and they were off.

Im thankful for their hope.
The precious gift you gauranteed didnt exist.
My angels brought it back in a box, beating, waiting to be inside me to help my blood flow.
I can love again.
Breath again.
Feel again.
Im thankful to be me again.