Blessings in disguise

Beastin whether you see it or not

2010-11-24T23:15:00.000-08:00

Various times we are guilty of comparing our flaws with worse flaws, just to boost our confidence. I'm guilty of doing so. But if there is one thing I hate, its putting people on blast to make yourself look better.

From my previous posts you know that I was kicked out of NIU because I didn't meet the GPA standard. But, should that necessarily label me? I am now at a different school with a different life and mind set. 3.2 GPA so far! Even still, some people still refer to me as an idiot for getting kicked out...
Obviously, this bothers me (if it didn't, i wouldn't have used it as a blog post). Although I'm not busting my butt off for recognition from them, I'd rather them just not say anything to me. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

What sets me off even more is that these people are not even useful! They're not college recruiters or employers, they're still students themselves!! One of them is on academic probation as a matter of fact! Yet, my past failure is an amusing topic for them.
But its fine...
Either way....
Ima walk off that stage pretty soon with a diploma in my hand, a smile on my face, and a bunch of schools waiting for me to confirm my enrollment....

2010-04-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

It's human nature to reject what you fear. However, this is where courage is also selective. Its all about value. We choose when to take a risk.
Mistakes are committed so we know what not to do in the future. Let's not confuse this, though. Often times we assume that mistakes teach us to not intent similar situations. We must keep in mind that situations may be similar at the root, but we can control the potential outcome with the paths we decide to take. We cannot live our lives in fear of possible pain.

From my previous blogs, we know that I had a pretty rough experience not that long ago. My exterior displayed an outgoing character with a "I don't give a fuck" attitude. My interior contrasted that image, though. In fear of a false happiness, I blinded myself from potential love-life. I became content with myself (in and out) and I knew I didn't (and still don't) have to depend on others to be happy.

Even still, my social skills drove me to meet my now close friends and others that apparently were not worth my friendship.

Within these people were a couple of guys, but at the end of this blog it will be obvious that only one sparked my risk element.

In fear of change, I did not give him a definite answer when I was asked to be his girlfriend...

Some one told me to take a risk, if I knew he was worth it...

April 3, 2010 I told him yes, and so a new chapter in my journey has begun.

Lets see how this goes...

To be continued...

"Forbidden fruit is so much sweeter"

2010-02-23T19:46:00.000-08:00

Alright so I'm guilty of acting upon this little saying here, but I've come to realize that the "fruit" really isn't that sweet...

When we find ourselves in a situation in which we are emotionally engaged, we tend to follow our heart. Our conscious haunts us at night, and our logic starts off telling us, "your dumb as hell for even trying to make this happen," yet, we keep trying to please our heart.

Suddenly, we have an illusion that there is potential for a positive outcome out of the scene. Let me tell you... this is where we fuck up. This little image of ours, forces us to embark on this mission impossible. We conclude committing stupid acts for the sake of obtaining that "unique" object. We fail to notice our stupidity because we are entranced by the forbidden. Tunnel vision..

But is it the fruit that seduces us, or the mission?

And...

Are either of these valuable enough to sacrifice our time, mind, spirit and emotions for?

Once reality sets in, we find our answers. That's IF we ever let it set in...

Here

2009-12-14T21:49:00.000-08:00

An explosion of anger has attacked my soul. Y complain and stick to the same old routine? I want to scream @ the world, but idk what to say.. Your no good for me. But this leash inside wont leave me leave. You hv me like your fkin dog. I'm no 1s bitch. no 1s. Take advantage of my feelings for the time being, cuz once im done, i'm done for good. I should b done now. I should've been done a while ago. @ the moment u declared your decision. Im not supposed 2 b here. or am i? You say things about the other side, idk if you act upon ur words to the other side, tho. But over here... over here... *sigh*. Your words lift up my spirit to a whole new level. What can I say? You're very talented with words. Using big vocab and your little slick ways of putting your sentences together to hide your meaning. Only a lesser idiot can decode you're phrases. I shouldnt tho. I shouldnt b here. I know. But I cant. Stop. Physically Im no where near majority of the time, but somewhere in spirit and time I feel together with you. You tell me not to b afraid. You mean no harm. Even b4 that was said, I trusted you. Still do. I dnt want to tho. I shouldn't. I can't. But I must.

Hope

2009-12-10T15:14:00.000-08:00

Potential. This word haunts me like a regret in a past. I hated this word. I wished I could trade in all my potential and just be perfect in one thing. "You have potential to be a great singer, you just have to....." "You have potential to be an awesome soccer player, you just have to..." "You have potential to be..." STOP!!! Potential... Potential... It's actually not that bad...
The anger this word inflicts in my soul is my drive. Pouring my heart and soul into a project, and receiving critique with this word added into this mixture adds a whole new goal level.
Potential.
My potential is my hope to become something better than myself. It's my drive to live. Why be perfect in one thing? Perfection is boring. No flaws takes the beauty out of life and the flavor out of success. When will I reach my potential, I might never know. Until then, I must keep passing these levels like when I would play Super Mario Bros. I might fail a couple of times, but each failing situation teaches me what NOT to do next time.
Potential. Hope.

Chained to the wait

2009-11-23T23:15:00.000-08:00

As I lay I ponder on the memory of your face while mine is laid against the edge of my bed.
A I slowly breath to decrease my heart-rate so I can finally sleep, your image flows through my mind increasing the beat making it difficult to sleep.
Is this beat trying to match that of your own?
Or am I playing a solo?
Now I ponder on the wonder of ever knowing.

Thankful

2009-11-19T21:03:00.000-08:00

Im thankful for the obstacles ive overcome.
Sinking to the lowest level where i felt vain, but my pride didnt let me cry help.

Im thankful to have faced reality.
Angels exist.
But they only revealed their halos when I was drowning in my own hopelessness.

Im thankful for those who helped me sink.
Thank you for showing me the truth.
My angels still made it through you.
They lifted me up, dusted me off, gave me a big hug, and they were off.

Im thankful for their hope.
The precious gift you gauranteed didnt exist.
My angels brought it back in a box, beating, waiting to be inside me to help my blood flow.
I can love again.
Breath again.
Feel again.
Im thankful to be me again.

Trapped

2009-11-04T19:04:00.000-08:00

Feels like a ball of pain deep inside your chest.
Just rolling around.
Every word said makes that ball get heavier.
Breathing gets a little difficult and a knot is created somewhere in your throat.
You bite your lip to keep your tears inside.
"Only cowards cry"
Deep breaths alleviate the pain a bit, but "reality is nourishment" according to Immortal Technique, and the nourishment is unbearable.
Like a broken bone getting cracked into place, painful but needed, is the reality that we face to help us grow.
Tears roll down my cheeks.
I'm not a coward.
I'm facing reality, deflating the ball of pain with my cries, and growing inside and out.
I'm free.

Beautiful senses

2009-10-28T23:31:00.000-07:00

We most often assume that beauty is regarding to the superficial aspects of life, “what meets the eye.” We need to feel some sort of pleasure from looking at the matter, in order for it to be described as beautiful. However, not all beautiful things in life can be seen; for example, music. Although we can see the music notes on the sheet music, we can’t feel the beauty of it by just looking at it. We need to know how to actually read the notes to grasp the true effect. As a singer, I was taught that causing your audience emotion, is the only way you know you are a good singer; this includes tears, racing hearts, goose bumps/chills, screams, claps, and standing ovations.
Understanding that beauty is not displayed only in tangible objects, but also in aspects that please our other senses; it is safe to say that beauty is defined as anything aesthetically pleasing. In order for us to be engaged in the matter, we must comprehend what is presented. Comprehending the matter creates the connection that begins our relation to it, which will then affect our persona. Aesthetics deals with the philosophical perspective of beauty, any matter appealing to our senses, state of mind, emotions, or attitudes. Therefore, beauty is anything that is pleasing to our senses, mind and/or spirit.

Lost and found (but not found just yet)

2009-09-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

Its been over a month since the last time I used my IPOD. I can't say that I've been looking for it, though. But for some reason, I had the urge to look for it yesterday. I tried retracing my steps from the last time I used it, and it's simply no where to be found. It's as if the earth swallowed it whole. They say you find what you're looking for when you stop looking for it...

Last night, I had a dream about my ex. It's been nine months since we broke up, five months since his last attempt to reach me, and I can't remember the last time the thought of him affected my emotions. I don't remember much about my dream, but what I do remember makes me wonder... In my dream, he was still with his girl friend and he was still in the fraternity. The wierd part was that he had my IPOD. For some reason, the surreal me had let him borrow my IPOD before we broke up, and I never got it back. According to my dream, I finally got the courage to ask for it back, and he brought it over to my house. I dont remember actually seeing him hand it to me, though. I just remember suddenly having it back in my hands...

Now, lets analyze this...

An IPOD consists of music

Music is a huge part of my soul, I love it.

So since an IPOD consists of music, which I love, one can say that the IPOD symbolizes my heart...

My dream ended with me having my IPOD in my hands. I didn't see my ex actually hand it to me, or anythin like that, I was just there.....holding it in my hands.

So, I saw two messages in this dream...

I got my heart back from him
Maybe I didnt necessarily got my heart back, but maybe I never gave my heart to him. Maybe I just let his actions take control of my emotions rather than me controling them, and now Im FINALLY controlling them myself. "Time heals"

So, what do YOU think??

I thought superheroes dont die?!

2009-09-14T11:11:00.000-07:00

One of the lessons we learn from watching Bambi is that of "if your not going to say something nice, then don't say anything at all." What about criticism? There IS a difference between helpful criticism and just being rude. Helpful criticism brings the flaws to light, but also offers suggestions to successfully reach our goal.
However, in order to even criticize, I would assume one would need some type of experience or background knowledge on the subject at hand... So what do you do when someone you see as your superhero, starts "critiquing" you, but in an unhelpful way?

My dad used to be my best friend...my superhero...my daddy. Any obstacle I came across, he would find a way to guide me through it. On a letter he wrote me when I turned 12, he wrote "no matter how old you turn, you will always be my little girl." Daddy's little girl is now 19, and well, lets just say I made a life mistake last year that set me back a whole academic year (I probably mentioned it in one of my older posts). I didn't let my mistake keep me down, though. I registered at a community college and became part of the soccer team there. I've been busting my ass off in class to make sure i get at least a 3.0 GPA. I keep my mistake in the back of my mind as a "lesson learned", and I'm making sure that mistake doesn't occur again.
My dad was VERY disappointed in me, and I COMPLETELY understand. My family and my peers have high expectations for me. They seem to believe that I'm completely fine with my decisions, though. ..... That's not the case at all. My conscious doesn't let me sleep at night, reminiscing on the options i overlooked. Daddy's little girl is in trouble now...deep shit if you will. But...her superhero can't save her this time. Why not?.... Well... daddy only went to high school for a week and then became a gangbanger; it was all downhill from there. What about mommy? Well....mommy only made it to the 6th grade....
So who saves her now? Her primary source, herself.

But as soon as I feel my head above the water, here comes daddy to drown me again, "bla bla bla, you fucked up at NIU," or "you fucked up at NIU and now you want to fuck up here too?!"

Half hour early at soccer practce
Half hour early to class
No parties
No boyfriend
All homework done
Run errands when needed
All favors done
Clean room

Can some one please tell me where I'm fucking up this time??

I try to keep in mind that my dad was brought up in traditional mexican style. Get hit with no explanation. My dad doesnt hit me, but Id rather get hit, than have these words spit at me. Having these words of disappoinment coming at you so often from the person you idolized, really brings down the little hope you had inside. Me and my dad don't talk much anymore, and if we do, what's above is pretty much what I hear, and then I just result in my room crying. I developed this routine this summer, but pretty much, my superhero died.

Just me

Sigh

2009-08-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

Spontaneous combustion. Story of my life. Once I thought I was filling in the cracks of my life that I managed to make this year, an earthquake occurs and I'm back into the cracks. The first biggest obstacle in my life was the beginning of my soccer career...second, first college year....now third, trying to find a way out of this "crack".
I can't blame this on anyone else but me, though. I come up with a lot of excuses to cover up the fact that I lost myself once I arrived at Dekalb. I lost my wit, "fuck it" mentality, individualism, and part of my soul. I shouldve known that once I stopped singing, it was a sign that something was wrong....
But now I'm singing again. I didnt find the old me, but im remolding myself. There might be another earthquake on it's way, but im prepared.

y i play

2009-08-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

I never saw myself as a college athlete… especially a soccer athlete. At the age of thirteen, I began playing the “beautiful game” with negative pressure pushing me forward. Beginning this portion of my athletic lifestyle was my biggest obstacle in life, so far. I wasn’t intrigued by the sport until my younger sisters started playing, however by then, I was “too old to learn the sport,” according to my father. Having in mind that he is a coach, it was pretty hard to neglect those words. But being the self-willed person that I am, I kept insisting. I attended all my sisters’ trainings, even if all I could do was painfully watch from the benches. This perseverance continued for about a year and a half until finally, my father gave me a chance. “You can’t join the team, but you can practice with us; BUT, I better not see you cry or hear you complain. Acuerdate que vas a estar practicando con muchachos (remember that you’re going to be practicing with guys),” he told me one day before leaving to practice.
Once I was given that permission to train, I went from baby-steps to running…literally. I started running laps every day, on my own, at the local park (something I still do today). While running, I would think about how my father would always point out my flaws at practice, just to break me down so I could quit trying. Then, I would get a burst of energy to make me run more. Soon enough, I became one of the fastest runners in the “suicides” portion of training. Soccer isn’t just about being physically fit, though…it’s also about being mentally fit.
Instead of being on myspace all day, I started researching information on this “beautiful game”. Videos of Ronaldinho and Cristiano Ronaldo soon became my novelas (soap operas). Watching their videos on tricks and strategies really sparked something inside of me…hope. Every day after running, I would go to my front yard with a ball to practice the trucks I had seen on the videos. While I was out training on my own, I never noticed my father watching me from the window. My father is not the type to motivate, so I never saw any positive support from him…UNTIL…he began coaching my little sister’s female soccer team. Being on the San Juanico Girls team was the best thing that ever happened to me. My soccer career was ignited right after that stage in my life. My freshman year of high school, I was accepted into the Curie girl’s Junior Varsity team. Attending to practices, made my ball skills improve a lot quicker than I expected. Soon enough, I was on the starting lineup…with Curie. Back with San Juanico, I was still warming up the bench. Fuming, I would sit on the bench watching the other girls play and score goals. Was my dad blind? Did he not see my improvement? Or was I exaggerating on my improvement…whatever the reason was, in his eyes, I was not good enough to be on that field. My anger and wit pushed me even further and keeps pushing. Up to this day, I haven’t felt that sense of accomplishment. I’ve scored several goals with San Juanico, and played on several teams; I even got to play at Toyota Park just recently. With Curie, I made the Varsity team my Sophomore year and became captain my Senior year. One would think that after these minor accomplishments I would be able to say “finally”…but I won’t settle until I see my dad proud of me.
Being able to play on a college level surprised my family and me. Now, I have two colleges asking me to play on their team. However, having two college students in one family is difficult. Since financial aid didn’t cover my younger sister and me at all, we’ve had to look for scholarships. If I receive this scholarship, I would kill a bird and a half with one stone. It would make education financially easier for my family and me, and it would intrigue my dad to see at least a little improvement on my game. I know I won’t disappoint Daley College. I left a good reputation at Curie High School, so, I’m just waiting to start school at Daley to leave yet another good mark; and this would all be feasible if I get this scholarship. Education is very expensive, and I know medical school is not going to do me any justice. So far there is nothing but future doctors in my house, so this scholarship would be a blessing to my family and me. All my blood, sweat, and tears have led me up to this point…so far.

Question yourself

2009-08-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

Here goes another one of those emails from my girl Little one

If you know what you want, you will recognize it when you see it. -Bill Cosby

When we convince ourselves that we can't find the right mate, we try to make the one we have into the one we want. There are two ways to do this. First, we need to see who we have and tell ourselves they are someone different. The other way is to try and fix what we have. Neither idea works. When we are not honest with ourselves about who our mate really is, we end up disillusioned and disappointed. It is not their fault, it is our own. We must be clear about what we want from a relationship whether it is social, business or intimate. Then we must make a decision to wait for exactly what we want. It is not our job to change the other person. Who I want is important enough for me to wait for.

So what do I want? I dont have a specific guy type... I dont really need anyone to keep me happy either... So does this mean there's no one out there for me?

It's nice to have that special someone who can show you affection and make you feel needed. I used to think that I would never be able to live a single life. Now that I'm single though, I find myself smiling a lot more than when I was with that certain some one. We make ourselves believe certain things. I guess the only type of guy I'm willing to find is the guy that will accept me for ME, and who is willing to keep me happy. Is that hard to ask?

Self inflicted pain

2009-07-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

So one of my girls sent me an email that got me thinkin...here it goes..

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. - Michelle Ventor

Wouldn't it be wonderful if our first love could be our one and only love, forever and ever, amen? Well, surely you know by now that life is not like that. People come and go in our lives, taking a little piece of our heart with them. As difficult and painful as it may be, that is exactly what they should do. We have more than enough love to share and spare, and we should give it freely. When we love for a reason it feels good to give love, because we get what we give. When we have a seasonal love, it is a whirlwind love, preparing us for something better. When those very special people come into our lives, we can and do love them forever. Loving is not what causes our emotional damage, it is the attempt to throw people out of our hearts and minds. When we love reasonably for the season we are in, we will undoubtedly enjoy a lifetime of loving.

So pretty much the pain we feel wen one of our loved ones messes up, is our hearts being stubborn. Its the tension between our common sense and our natural reaction. Simply, we must open up our hearts and minds to reality. Regret is a waste of a word, we must see it as just another lesson learned.

Those that we lose, just make room for new people.

Speaking of new people, I met a dude on Myspace that is pretty dope. He is very outgoing and is great with networking. His name is Ricardo aka young hot Ricardo, and he has a twitter account. So do ME a favor and hit him up. Here's his link twitter.com/younghotricardo
Heres a little segment from his ABOUT ME section on MYSPACE

I do promotions Online for 50 Cent, G Unit Records, and Thisis50 so if u are interested on promotin your music modeling clubs on my myspace page or my Thisis50 account etc get at me on a message to arrange a price thanks any more questions feel free to send me a email thanks.

So ladies and gentlemen, lets not forget the sayin "its not what u know, its WHO u know". Follow my boy Young Hot Ricardo on Twitter. Who knows, maybe he'll take u 2 da top ;D

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Since I havent posted n e thing up lately, im going to treat you all to these pretty funny videos of this kid singing EVERY GIRL IN THE WORLD and FREAKY GIRL..Check it

What are kids learnin these days?!

2009-07-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

So I went to a block party today, and there was a whole bunch of little kids like 3-5 year olds. And these little kids (boys) had their ear pierced and pants sagging down their butt. Fitted hats or braids on.
...So then this Gucci Mane song came on and all the little boys started singing along to it (or rapping) and throwin up their hands and bobbing their heads. It was cute, but at the same time, its a reality check that kids are sponges. Everything the adults do, they mimick.

Later on today, I went with my boy to his house. I was waiting for him in the car and I saw a little girl and a little boy playing outside. Now, my boy is taking for EVER, so I'm just watching these little kids play. The dad left, and I guess the mom was inside. Out of no where, I thought I saw the little boy grab the little girl and kiss her. I thought I was tweaking, but then they did it AGAIN!
Finally, my boy comes out and I asked him if the little boy and the girl were brother and sister, and he said, "Yeah, why?" I told him what happened, and as I was telling him, THE LITTLE KIDS WERE ABOUT TO START MAKING OUT AGAIN, but since they noticed we were looking they didnt do it anymore.

Sembrada en tu memoria

2009-07-05T01:45:00.000-07:00

Pase lo que pase no te olvidaras de mi nombre...
Porque era lo primero que escribias cuando me mandabas tus mensajes
Lo primero que decias cuando me llamavas al tardecer
Lo primero que conosiste de mi
Y lo ultimo que pensaras antes de dormir...
La eFe de mis fantasias que abrieron tu mente
La eLe de las locuras que nos trajieron al presente
La O en el amor que con tiempo se presento
Y la eRre de las razones porque el destino nos junto.

Ladder

2009-05-19T00:31:00.000-07:00

If you won't be better tomorrow than you were today, then what do you need tomorrow for?
- Rabbi Nahman of Bratslav

So I was looking for something to write about and I ended up finding that quote. I'm the type of person that lives off of quotes. A lot of times they make sense and make you think about what you're doing AND if you're doing things right.

SO! I look at myself today ->

and i look at myself b4 i left to college

I never saw the changes I was going through internally, at the moment. Now, though, I can honestly say that I've matured mentally and emotionally; maybe not fully, but atleast I'm more mature than I was before I left.

Everyone is afraid of change. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of leaving their comfort zone...but just because you're accustomed to something, that doesn't mean that it's correct. I as forced out of my comfort zone going away to college,a nd i had to learn the hard way that things are not always what they seem to be. I didn't realized my wrong-doings until I actually stopped doing them. I THOUGHT I was happy, but I didn't really know what happiness was until I couldn't stop laughing. I don't cry as much if at all any more, I smile a lot more now and I never stop talking.

My one flaw might be that I'm too nice at times. I put myself in everyone else's position and i try to make everyone else happy. It makes me happy to see others happy. There are times, though, that I give up on things that I want so others can have them. It's hard for me to be selfish and a lot of people take advantage of that. I dont say anything though, because nothing goes unpaid for.

Missing

2009-05-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

....love, never knew what I was missing, til I.... til I finally saw myself inside and out today. I was so pumped for my first soccer game of my outdoor season...til the game actually started. The other team turned out to be not so great (we won 17-0). First half I played defense and played the ball maybe three times. Second half, I ended up playing goalie because my sister was bored of just standing there doing nothing (so my dad made me switch with her). As I stood there (doing nothing), I started to feel useless. I analyzed the whole situation and came to the conclusion that my dad put me as goalie because it was the easiest thing to play at that time. So then my academic life came to mind, and then my love life...and then I was just "Fuck my life." So my boyfriend leaves me, I'm a candidate for dismissal from NIU, and now my dad/coach thinks I suck at my loved sport. And this all starts out with this stupid four letter word L.O.V.E. Sometimes I wish I would've just stuck to my master plan of not having a boyfriend, like I did for my first fifteen years. The only pain I felt back then was physical pain (when my parents would "reprimand" me). Freshman year of high school I was asked out by A LOT of guys, but I was too scared of ending up like all the other girls crying in the bathroom. I was scared of getting hurt. Then Sophomore year came and over the summer I had started talking to this one kid. We ended up liking each other a lot and he ended up asking me out when we started school. I kind of hesitated but thought to myself just take a risk, so I said yes. I experienced my first kiss/"kick" and relationship with this guy. We were together for six months until I met this other guy. My boyfriend at the time was being really bogus with me, but I was scared of breaking up with him; while he was being bogus to me, THIS guy was being REALLY nice to me. So I left one for the other. With this one, I lasted almost three years. Now that I'm single, I feel like I lost a part of me during the relationship. I'd rather break my hand again, than have someone break my heart again. These sudden strikes of pain and depression that I get are unbearable. I wonder, though...what I feel missing, is it something that I'm better off not having, or do I need to find it again? OR is it just ME that I'm missing? I forgot about myself while I was with him, so maybe I just need to find me again...or maybe not again, but a NEW me.. what ever it is, I never knew what I was missing, til I found out that all I was missing was EMOTIONAL PAIN.

Los nuncas se llegan (the "nevers" arrive)

2009-05-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."- Anais Nin

(Ima do this post in purple cuz dats her ^ favorite color)

So the girl up there was my "never" that arrived. My mom raised me with the saying "Amigos no existen porque hasta las piernas se rosan de andar juntas tanto" (Friends dont exist because even ur legs get rashes from being together so much). I followed this sayin, but only to a certain extent. I've had many friends throughout my 19 years of existence, but only 2 that I could call my "best friend". The first one did me REALLY bogus. And that would be my guy friend. I have known him since the 8th grade (when I started playing soccer). We ended up going to the same high school (except he was a freshman when i was a sophomore). He helped me improve on my soccer skills SO much. We got so close to the point where people were asking if we were going out lol. We used to refer to eachother as brother and sister. My parents wouldnt let me go out anywhere unless he was gna go. He was in my sweet 16 and helped me out throught ALOT. So last year (my senior year, his junior year), things started getting a little wierd... he started drinking and hanging out with me less and less. I never agreed with drinking (til college =P), especially if it was "drinking to forget". So one day after my game, I got a call that he was drinking at some guy's place, so ME (being a good friend) went to go get him. At this time, my parents wouldnt let me drive on my own, so my mom took me to go pick him up. I ended up dragging him out of there with this girl wanting to jump out the window to kick my ass (she was drunk, but she didnt like me when she was sober either). To make the story short, he started calling me a bitch because my mom was in the car. He was crying saying "I thought you loved me, i thought you were my sister, how could you do this to me!" I was in the back of the van silently crying. His words pierced through my heart. I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE A GOOD FRIEND. We brought him to my house and I let him fall asleep in my room. When he finally woke up, we took a walk around my neighborhood and talked about what had happened. After that, things were a little wierd, but im not the type to hold a grudge so I just let it go. A couple weeks after that, some girls and I had planned to go to his game (the guys soccer team). He showed up REALLY drunk. I was very disappointed because he was the BEST defense in the team and this was a VERY important game. I went by the car to chek on him. I peak my head through the window and see that he still has some beers left. My friend and I snuck them out the car and threw them away.

He finally got out the car because he had to throw up. As he got out the car, his volleyball coach was walking nearby...SO, I tried playing if off that he had the stomache flu. As he through up, I said "Are you ok, you shouldnt have ate that." He ended up telling me to get the fuck away from him. I whispered to him "...your volleybll coach is RIGHT there." He told me he didnt give a fuck and to get the fuck away from him. His coach approached him and started asking him that why was he throwing up and that if he was ok. He responded as normal as he could make it, and the coach left. His drunk buddies came to help him and then he started yelling "GET THIS BITCH AWAY FROM ME, I DONT WANT TO FUCKEN SEE HER!"

They finally got him into the car. I took off this necklace that has a soccer ball on it (that ended up coming back to me and I NEVER take it off), that he had given to me to hold on to while he played, AND that I just never returned to him. He had never asked for it back either, so I saw it as a frienship necklace. Anyway, I took it off.... walked up to his window...threw it at him and told him "have fun with your FRIENDS." I walked away crying, and my friends started crying just watching what had just happened. After that day, we didnt really talk much. Things havent been the same since then. I still love him and I'll give my life for that kidd. I see him once in a while and he's surprised that.. 1. The chain came back to me and 2. That I NEVER take it off.

Well after kinda losing that bestfrienship thing, I didnt believe in best friends anymore. UNTIL I went to NIU.

This GOOFBALL went through EVERY SINGLE struggle with me.

So one day during first semester, I was cleaning my side of the dorm while playing some bachata (type of spanish music). This random chick walks in, "OMG I LOVE THIS SONG!" (loud as hell) 1. I was like WTF

2. She scared the HELL out of me

3. I had NEVER talked to this girl before

Then her roomate (at the time) came in and she said, "Let me guess, she came in because of the Mexican music." I just started laughing. What ever happened that day after that is a blur, but once again, music doesnt let me down. THAT was the begining of a BEAUTIFUL friendship. Her roomate ended up dropping out and I ended up moving into her dorm. We became really close friends.

There was a time when she asked "So Flor, I'm your best friend, right?" ....I told her no. Her facial reaction was the saddest I had EVER seen. But I didnt want to lie. I explained to her that I didnt believe in best friends and that I was sorry. She responded, "Its ok, just know that your MY best friend." Time passed us by, and we helped eachother out through the hard college life. She literally wiped my tears away, and I wiped hers. First semester I went through a really rough break up, so bad that I went on anit-depressants and I couldnt sleep by myself (because I was used to sleeping with my boyfriend). She ended up letting me sleep with her (no homo lol). My whole world came tumbling down first semester and I was drowning in problems, but this girl...this girl kept my head up high and didnt let me drown. My hand was broken and she washed my hair (her favorite memory) lol. We got our navels pierced together and we became inseperable. There were times where we got tired of eachother, but we would sense it, so we'd just avoid eachother during those times.

Second semester when I got dumped, she wiped my tears away and would listen to my complaints and words of heart ache. She made sure I didnt go "single crazy", but helped me move on. It made me happy to see her happy with my boy, and now she's happy cuz she says that I seem happier than ever.

1.We dont get tired of taking pics together

2. We love singing together

3. "I like how you make me like all your songs u dumb bitch!"-her to me

4. "I h8 ur stupid beaner music!" -me to her

5."WE'RE FAT" -us

The conclusion of this story, I gave her 2 names

1. Skweek (she has a skweeky voice)

2. Best friend

Improvement

2009-05-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

Its been three months and I can finally say that it doesn't hurt to go down town any more. Handing some1 your heart, trusting that they won't mistreat it, and then having them throw it on the floor and stomp all over it, is the worst thing that could happen to ANY 1... too bad it happens to all of us. Love is in our eyes when we put our heart on that platter. And you create this illusion, this dream world of perfection that u and ur significant other will NEVER hurt. That they'll never drop that platter. That ur so special to them, they just want to see u happy. You figure that since they tell u "i love you" and write all these "forevers"and "nevers" all over ur cards and notes and facebook wall and myspace comments, "damn this shit must be for real!"...that was me. 3 years of me. 3 yrs that i dont regret but grew from and am moving forward from. I was so into my dream world that i dedicated myself to making him happy...i forgot about myself. In the end, none of my dedication nor my emotions mattered.... in the end, i was left. I was left for a new experience. So now i know to always hope for the best and prepare for the worst. So about down town being painful, I used to have to DRAG my ex to down town. After the first time we went, he loved it. I had always wanted to go to the lake at night, and he ended up takin me one night. I had also always wanted to walk around down town at night, we took some random night trips down town. Sat on benches and contemplated our future together. So after our shocking break up, it was kind of painful to go down town. Everything reminded me of him. Plenty of times I wanted to just sit on the sidewalk and cry (especially around Millenium park), but I kept my head up and kept walking. Now I look back at those times and I think to myself he might not be thinking about me now, but his rain will fall soon enough. I dont desire the worst for any1, but karma IS a bitch. My thunderstorm came and left, the sun is finally starting to shine.

Writers block...

2009-05-14T23:48:00.000-07:00

So what are you supposed to do if you have the urge to do something, but you just cant? The urge is burning deep inside your soul and you want the words to flow right out of your pen and burn the lines of the paper, but you just can't. You're mentally incapable of simply writing. Now, that's just writing... what do you do if you have this same urge, not about writing though, but to take a step in your life. This step can either jump you forward, or take u back to where u started. You think about it every day, "what if...."...and that's where it ends. Now what?